Who is there? Who's there?

I've been extremely neglectful of this recently, probably because I'm trying to avoid just splurging emotional garbage, ranting as my mind is filled with nothing but mess, bitterness. Lost and lonely. Denial is such a wonderful destruction.

I'm stuck in the largest, darkest rut imaginable. The only place I find solice is in my sleep. And the reason I write today is that last night I had the most disturbing experience as I was drifting (or rather falling, being dragged unwillingly) into a twisted version of sleep that terrified me to the core. You see, most nights I lay my head on the pillow and I see images slowly blending together, sometimes music combines and I start my beautiful adventure. However, last night I did not drift, I was pulled by a strong force, a vice like grip was sucking my soul - it even sounded like the world had left and I was tumbling and falling and great speed into the unknown, unsafe hell and a voice so piercing echoed around me "YOU'RE COMING WITH US". I was so aware of this happening, my attempts to shout or move were fruitless. I then realised that I could move my feet, so I kicked and writhed in a vain attempt to send signals to my mind. Eventually it worked, and Iopenedmy eyes with a start. I sat up quickly. I just knew that the same thing would happen again if closed my eyes, but even sitting up my the same rush was pulling me downwards. I had to give in, I had no choice. So last night I battled through the most disturbing night terror and i've woken up today and just wept. Ironically, I declared just before I slept that it would be lovely to sleep and dream forever. I have no idea what I want.
I don't want to fall in love, only to lose it again so easily.

I seriously need to find some peace of mind before I lose it.
It's been raining so much recently, and the butterflies will die, not enough sunshine. The heavy downpour damages their wings.

I watched you sleep
Repeating my prayer
Give love a little shove
And it becomes terror
And now I am calling
In a sadness beyond anger
And beyond fear
Who is there
Who's there
Who is there?

I glare and nod
Like the character, God
Bearing down upon the houses and lawns
I knew a little bit,
But, darling, you were it
And, darling, now it is long gone
Sweetheart, in your clean, bright start
Back there, behind a hill, and a dell
And a state line or two, I'll be thinking of you
Yes, I’ll be thinking and be wishing you well
We land, I stand, but I wait for the sound of the bell
I have to catch a cab and my bags are at the carousel
And then Lord, just then, time alone will only tell
You morning dove

Joanna Newsom reads my mind- Lyrics from Soft As Chalk

Flimsy, floppy, flutterby bunny?

I lie in the grass, after a few days sitting, smoking my days away, waiting for anything to happen, a lightning strike, a travelling circus to knock on my window and take me away...

I see before me a blue sky, clouds cascaded randomly. At first I notice the bird soaring high, flying free. I laugh out loud because way up higher, the birds same path is followed by an aeroplane. It leaves a clear distinct right in the centre of my view. What does it mean?

I could interpret it cynically: why, its simply the vapour trail streaming, polluting the air. Taking things literally doesn't come so naturally to me. Today, it tells me that there is a line, which must be crossed, letting go of something which is breaking me down, leaving no gap for the sun to shine through.

Yes, sometimes it is better to be a dreamer, as long as they don't stay locked in-a-box with a rusty padlock. Do you know the effect you have on the world? I suppose I've been sad for a while as I believe my words, actions bear no fruit. I've been stuck in winter; literally and metaphorically, and here the light lasts only enough time to realise you've been overshadowed by your own dwellings, and the trees look bare and frostbitten. The only good thing being the anticipation that soon the sun will return.

I felt the glow on my skin, and it was lovely.

One thing that tickled me last night was a comment I made to my sister, she was sitting by me on the couch. I noticed her little dainty feet. I said "Your feet are like babys! So soft and small, it's like youve had cotton wool wrapped around them your whole life!", I thought it was a passing observation, but she postively beamed and wiggled her toes like she'd been told she was the fairest maiden in the land. Feet are definitely underrated, especially if they are feet like my sisters!

I noticed at the bottom of my parents garden all of the fences have been taken down, and it now leads further into a forest!!! (well, of sorts) it made me wish more than ever that I was a little girl again. I will, and I say that with the utmost determination, explore this new place. Curiosity is simmering, I saw a whole host of butterflies just from where I sat on the grass next to the little apple tree. And a flopsy bunny. And I must have been very silent, as it just hopped around the garden oblivious to any other presence :)

The only problem is that everytime without fail whenever there is a sunny moment, or if I wake up in the morning and the light levels suddenly change as the sun glow fills the room, cloud passed. Is the Beatles song inevitably pops straight into my mind. I don't even have to write the line do I? There it is, right there, in your head too. It's an affliction I tell ya :)


And to carry on the bunny theme, I would to be permenantly in costume, life seems so much more fun that way!

The Big Freeze

This is the start of a new decade, 2010 is upon us and how lovely it looks already.

We came into the year blanketed in powdery white and glistening with natural beauty. I hope the sun shines brightly this year, I have a feeling. Watch this space, more dreams and silly things to be posted on here as soon as I come to terms with this whole blogging notion. I need a space to splurge, and I guess this is it!

Endless love, Flo <3