Who is there? Who's there?

I've been extremely neglectful of this recently, probably because I'm trying to avoid just splurging emotional garbage, ranting as my mind is filled with nothing but mess, bitterness. Lost and lonely. Denial is such a wonderful destruction.

I'm stuck in the largest, darkest rut imaginable. The only place I find solice is in my sleep. And the reason I write today is that last night I had the most disturbing experience as I was drifting (or rather falling, being dragged unwillingly) into a twisted version of sleep that terrified me to the core. You see, most nights I lay my head on the pillow and I see images slowly blending together, sometimes music combines and I start my beautiful adventure. However, last night I did not drift, I was pulled by a strong force, a vice like grip was sucking my soul - it even sounded like the world had left and I was tumbling and falling and great speed into the unknown, unsafe hell and a voice so piercing echoed around me "YOU'RE COMING WITH US". I was so aware of this happening, my attempts to shout or move were fruitless. I then realised that I could move my feet, so I kicked and writhed in a vain attempt to send signals to my mind. Eventually it worked, and Iopenedmy eyes with a start. I sat up quickly. I just knew that the same thing would happen again if closed my eyes, but even sitting up my the same rush was pulling me downwards. I had to give in, I had no choice. So last night I battled through the most disturbing night terror and i've woken up today and just wept. Ironically, I declared just before I slept that it would be lovely to sleep and dream forever. I have no idea what I want.
I don't want to fall in love, only to lose it again so easily.

I seriously need to find some peace of mind before I lose it.
It's been raining so much recently, and the butterflies will die, not enough sunshine. The heavy downpour damages their wings.

I watched you sleep
Repeating my prayer
Give love a little shove
And it becomes terror
And now I am calling
In a sadness beyond anger
And beyond fear
Who is there
Who's there
Who is there?

I glare and nod
Like the character, God
Bearing down upon the houses and lawns
I knew a little bit,
But, darling, you were it
And, darling, now it is long gone
Sweetheart, in your clean, bright start
Back there, behind a hill, and a dell
And a state line or two, I'll be thinking of you
Yes, I’ll be thinking and be wishing you well
We land, I stand, but I wait for the sound of the bell
I have to catch a cab and my bags are at the carousel
And then Lord, just then, time alone will only tell
You morning dove

Joanna Newsom reads my mind- Lyrics from Soft As Chalk